No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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