That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
