I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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