would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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