I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
