If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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