There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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