I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
