I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
