Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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