ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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