Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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