Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
