rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
