Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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