i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
