We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
did i walk over a car last night?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
