Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
