if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
