we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
