You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
