would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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