I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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