i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
