Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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