i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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