Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Randomize
