i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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