I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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