i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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