I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
