I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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