Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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