Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
