I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Dicks are not precious.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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