Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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