just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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