forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
