she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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