I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
