I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
