next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
