the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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