help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
