i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
