Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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