Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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