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Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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