farters have to be the big spoon...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
