I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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