Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
