I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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