onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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