Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Don't make out with my wife yet
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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