apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
