we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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