you have to choose: penises or morals?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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