I just threw up on my dentist
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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