Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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