When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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