Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
