On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize