I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
