i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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