matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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