I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
