Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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