I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize