Just cropdusted the office
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
